pass/fail

I got my results for the second biochemistry exam, which was this Monday. Again, I was just a little bit above average but nothing stellar. My scores did improve slightly - so perhaps not attending lecture and just studying/listening to the lectures online when I am most awake is a better way of learning for me. But still not good enough. Maybe it's a bit ambitious or arrogant, but I would like to be at least 1 SD above the mean.

Now, I know that many people will think:  Welcome to medical school! You are now surrounded by classmates who were all top 10-20% of undergraduate - and all 230 of you can't be in the 1st quintile.

Well, as of now, I don't know whether my grades are because I'm not pushing myself or because medical school is just that hard. And, of course I want to be as high as I can be in terms of rank. Call me a grade whore or a nerdy Asian, but let's face it - Residency programs care a whole lot about rank. At a surgeon-interest group meeting I attended, the chairman of general surgery said quite bluntly, the first two things that will open or close a residency program for you will be your rank and your USMLE scores (and also how these factors may significantly affect your salary -- say, $300K vs $600K). So, for better or for worse, I have to take grades seriously.

Here's my problem and my blessing: the double-edged sword of the Pass/Fail system.

Pro: eases you into medical school, allows experimentation with different learning techniques, and gives you time to secure a social base. and I'm relaxed and stress is minimal.
Con: I'm relaxed and stress is minimal

My main problem is that I find it hard to motivate myself and push myself to the max. In the back of my mind, a voice is telling me - it's Pass/Fail! You're passing! Relax! Make some friends! Enjoy the night-life! Enjoy your hobbies! Spend time with family and boyfriend while you actually have the stress-free leisure to do so. And I really have been listening to that voice, having lots of fun and being really laid back and relaxed. But, I also haven't been doing as well as I want to on tests (go figure). Don't get me wrong, I'm not hitting myself over my head for my passing grades, and I don't regret the fun memories and beginnings of friendships that I've made these first few weeks of medical school.

What I worry is that as of now, I don't know if I can reach the intensity that I had in undergrad. I don't know if I have that edge anymore. It's been over a year since I graduated undergrad, and I spent a year at a very social, laid-back lab, working 9-5, going to parties, dinners, bars, movies. I think I forgot that stressful feeling of time slipping through my hands. I stroll through lectures slides and readings,  continuously getting distracting. I don't even know if I can push myself to my personal limit anymore.
This is worrisome for two reasons:
1) substandard grades, of course
2) if I want time to spend time being a normal person, I need to study with higher yield, which means more intensity, more efficiency.

Now, I'm probably being a bit over-dramatic and exaggerating the situation. Come numerical grades, and I'll probably (I hope...) be back to my study-freak, work crazy hard/play hard self in no time. I just hope that the time I get that kick won't be too late.


I think what I need right now is that reassurance that I can push myself again and produce my personal best results. I need to know that I have the mental discipline to reach my maximum effort.

So for this next biochem test next Friday, I'll lock myself up in the study prisons from morning until late-night like I used to during finals period of college. And, we'll see how I do.

The Salt Lick - Austin, TX.  Featured on FN's Best Thing I Ever Ate. Bobby Flay, BBQ ribs